17/12/2024
MOTHERHOOD
It's a gift and a reward from the One above.
From the time you conceived until the time you gave birth;
To that first glimpse, to the very first time you hold and kiss your little ones, they are all worth the pain.
As time goes by, mothers have always been the ones to take care of their babies kahit bagong panganak pa (normal or CS), it's always been us. With all the sleepless nights, kahit pa gano kasakit ng mga tahi mo, kahit madami pang masakit sa katawan, tayo palagi. Because we love our children so much and that love is unconditional.
My eldest is already 6 when I conceived to my youngest. She has her own phase of tantrums and mostly kay Lolo at Lola sya naiiwan because my work requires fieldworks. But I made it sure na makauwi ako in between weekdays to be there for her and every Fridays. Akala ko di na sya masusundan, lahat ng mga bagay na wala ako ng bata ako, I made it sure na maibigay sa kanya. Because I know how it feels to have nothing as I was born in a poor household as well.
She is now 10 years old and has grown into a very loving, patient, understanding, selfless and always giving Ate. My ate Amber.
As for my youngest, he was diagnosed with Congenital Heart Disease 7days after he was born.
It was a heartbreaking moment for the whole family.
Sinisisi ko that time ang sarili ko, that maybe it happened because of me. Because of me being weak during pregnancies.
Masyado ako maselan magbuntis kaya matagal bago nasundan si Ate.
I thought it's my fault. But then the doctor explained, that it was unexplainable until now.
He is now 4 years old and he already received his life changing surgery recently (will share this in a different story.) That's why I'm still on leave while typing this.
He' s super active and hyper and with a different set of tantrums too wherein he tends to be violent kapag natrigger ang patience nya.
This is caused by his medications and all to the point na sinasabunutan nya ako at home or in public, naninipa and nanununtok to the point na umiiyak na lang ako. I'm watching videos and given him directions to calm down na pag his feeling angry, he must ask for help like "Nanay, hug me, I'm feeling so angry".
I know I must always be understanding of the situations but there were times, na hindi ko na kinakaya. That I need to breakdown. Iiyak ka nalang talaga sa isang sulok or sa harap nila kasi hindi mo na talaga kaya.
And it's the reality. Mothers are not always strong. Physically and mentally.
The saddest part is that I am not blessed by a comforting husband.
Siguro iba lang ang kinagisnan nyang pamilya. Or he has reasons. So in times of problems and hardships, it's always been myself and God and a colleague from work who became an ate to me.
Minsan, tinatanong ko ang sarili ko, may naitira pa ba akong pagmamahal para sa sarili ko?
May natitira pa ba para sa sarili ko kasi ibinigay ko ng lahat ng buong buo sa mga anak ko.
That's why I came up to this page, wherein I can share the pain I can't share with my family.
Na maybe may mga nanay din na katulad ko.
In times like this, who will be my comfort?
Minsan, mga anak ko din talaga ang nagiging comfort ko. After the tantrums, the words "Nanay, I'm sorry. I won't do it again" tapos yayakapin ka din. Pero alam mo naman na uulitin nya ulit but then you still find it comforting.
Motherhood it's not an easy thing to do and it's not always butterfiles and rainbows.
I am not a perfect mother to my children but I think I have given them everything I can.
I am a mother and I will always be.
