07/04/2025
This Post Is Very Important To Me! I Haven't Shared It With Many And I Should!! So Here Goes!_______
Susan McWaters
True Identity Ministry
The Lords Story
My Story
As I Began The Task Of writing this at Jennifer's Request To Go Into The New WorkBook And It Was To Be Placed Into The Lies Section, Something I Had Become Very Familiar With!
I Had Been Believing Satan's Lies Since The Death Of My Little Sister Cindy! My Best Friend, My Biggest Mental Health Advocate, And My
TouchStone My Entire Life!!
I Stuggled and Struggled. Each And Every Single Time I Wrote The Heading “ Susan McWaters My Story” I Would Immediately Freeze Up!
I Couldn't Understand Why I Couldn't Do This?? What Was The Problem ????
It Had Been Such An Honor To Be Asked By Jennifer Brommet To Do It The Thought Of Letting Her Down Was Just Unimaginable!!!
She Was One Of The First Ladies I Met At My First Retreat And She Had Shown Me Such Kindness, Such Acceptance Without An Ounce Of Judgement!!She Put Me As Ease And Peaked My Curiosity I Have To Admit!
How Could She Be So Kind, So Warm And So Accepting Of Me?? Once She Hears My Story My Life She Wasn't Going To Feel Like That She Was Going To See Someone Not Worthy Of Her Time,Acceptance And Love iLet Alone God’s.
As I Tried To Write Every Time I Would Begin A Draft,
Susan McWaters MyStory
Every Single Time I Would Just Freeze Up!!
Then Suddenly I Heard A Sweet Still Voice saying “Who's Story?”That Sweet Still Voice
went on like that for days Every Time I Tried To Write?????
So One Day I Prayed And Then I got still and Quiet! I Don't Know How Long I Stayed That Way?? When Suddenly The Realization Hit Me!!
It Was A Question!!”Whose Story?” And The Answer Came To Me!!
It Wasn't And It Had Never Been Just My Story At All!!!!
It Was The Story Of How My Heavenly Father Had Came To Me And Showed Me His Truth And That What I Had Thought Was The Truth Was Satan's Lies. And That He Had Held My Heart And Mind Captive And In Chains Since My Sister Died. The Feelings Of Guilt And Grief He Grabbed Hold Of And Had Been Working On Me For So Many Years!!
He Had Stolen My Joy!! The Pride She Would And Did Have In Me As She Looked Down From Heaven!!
Bb It Was The Story Of How God Had Blessed Me!
How He Had Changed My Life and Continues to Every Single Day!!About His Grace In My Life!!So It Was More Than My Story It Was My Heavenly Father's Story And I Needed To Lift Him Up And GIVE HIM ALL THE PRAISES!!!!
I Am A Work In Progres, And This Is How I Got Where I Am Today And Where I Am going!! But To Tell You Where I Am It's Important To Tell You Where I Was And How My Heavenly Father Pulled Me Out Of That Darkness!
My Hope Is Simply One Thing!! That If There Is A Single Person Out There Who Reads This And Like I Felt That They Are Completely Unworthy Of God's Love That After Reading This I Can Be An
Example!!!!
AND YOU REALIZE THE TRUTH!! That THERE ISN’T A SINGLE PERSON OUT THERE THAT’S NOT WORTHY OF GOD’S LOVE!! AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK!! ASK FOR HIM TO COME INTO YOUR HEART AND GIVE YOU ALL THE JOY AND PEACE WITH SO MUCH GRACE!! AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY ANYTHING FOR IT!! BECAUSE HE HAS ALREADY PAID THE PRICE SO IT WILL BE FREE FOR YOU AND HE DID IT FOR YOU WILLINGLY!!!!! SO This Where I Was And How I Got Here!! Beautifully Broken!! BEAUTY FROM THE ASHES!!!________________
Early in my childhood, my brothers teased me as brothers do, but all in all, I had always felt loved.
Especially by my younger sister Cindy! The journey my life took with her was perfect. She was only a year younger but she carried me through bullying and teasing in elementary school, and from the get go, we were a pair! You did not get one without the other. It was a steadfast rule with both of us,her friends were mine and visa-versa.
At Age 18 I met and married my Prince Charming . He was a kind gentle sweet young man who made me feel safer than I ever had with any other boy I had met.
He didn't play games ,he said what was on his mind and was never unkind.
My Sister Cindy was my Maid of Honor and was by my side when I married him.I felt like I had the world by the tail!
After being married a year we found out we were expecting our first baby.I went to the hospital to deliver our first baby, with Cindy next to me.
I was so sure and confident about my future. But when I was eight months pregnant with our second baby, a boy, everything I Thought I knew about life and things changed in my life, with NO warning the baby had died in utero.
I handled it by self-medicating and all that did was make things worse. I felt like I had let my Husband down by not being able to give him the son I was carrying. I was a Failure my body had failed me.
It was shortly after the loss of the baby my moods and emotions became out of control and very difficult for me to handle. They became so intense that no one else could handle them either. I would get depressed for a few weeks, then wake up feeling like I was on top of the world and was ready to face it non-stop. This would last for weeks before I became depressed again, even suicidal.
I can’t say how many times I attempted su***de.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and that’s when I began to see myself not the
same way anymore.
It felt like more shame was added to not being able to give my husband his son, that My Body failed me and had left me unable to carry my baby boy to term.
I was heartbroken, afraid and So Much Anger!. So Much Anger!! That I Held Inside!
I was left feeling like my husband had instead received a lemon.
Instead of Getting What He Had Thought Was A Smart, Funny,Confident Young Woman That He Had Married Instead In Her Place Was Damaged Goods A Woman Who Couldn't Carry His Child And On Top Of That She Had Been Diagnosed With A Mental Illness!!
The Self Disgust And Anger Guilt Left Me Wondering Had She Ever Really Existed??
I Began To Wonder About My Whole Life And What Was Real And What Was Just An Illusion??
Even though my illness was unseen, it felt as though everyone could see it.It was As Though Mentally ill Woman Here Use Caution Was Written Across My Forehead!!
It Left Me Feeling immense shame and a failure as a wife, mother , daughter, sister and human being!
My sister Cindy Didn't See That Wouldn't Accept My Feelings That I Was A Damaged Person Who Was Of No Value To Anyone And Didn't See Any Reason To Be On The Earth!!
Nope She was right there with me through it all, she was absolutely unwavering In Her Belief in me and Refused to Give Up on me!!She Fought With Such An Intense And Unwavering Faith In Me that I could and would lead a good life.
She used to say You just March to the beat of a different drummer and That's okay with me!! Because I will just adjust my step to your beat! I will walk behind you to push you on and catch you should you fall ! I Will Walk in Front Of You To Protect You, And To Lead You When You Need It , BUT ALWAYS BESIDE YOU!! I WILL ALWAYS BE BESIDE YOU HOLDING YOUR HAND AND HEART! I PROMISE TO NEVER EVER LET GO!!Until You Get Better And You will get Better!. And You Will Believe In Yourself Again, I Have Total Faith In You.
She put so much of her life on hold to help me have the life she believed Was possible and I adored her for her unflinching faith and never giving up!!
I had finally began to see the light at the end of the tunnel!! She had been right!! I Was Finally,Clean And my mental health was finally stable, just as she said was possible, I was so hopeful.
Then suddenly Cindy died right next to me at age 34. My world spiraled out of control, I felt I could have done something to prevent it. I should have been the one who died, not her. I made a promise that day as I held her, that I was dead too until my real physical death came.
I spent many years keeping that promise to her. I didn't go out to family gatherings, didn't socialize. I avoided doing anything I didn't absolutely have to.
I refused to Enjoy life in as many ways as possible,I didn't go to family gatherings I Refused To Enjoy life.
I was being held captive to lies and it was causing intense fear and depression.
Then I plunged back into addiction So I felt numb and hopeless. Then a My Best Friend from high school reached out to me and invited me to attend a True Identity Retreat.
All she would say about it was it would change my life. I found every excuse possible not to go.I had Been A recluse for almost 20 years And I had not been out of my bedroom for six weeks. I Would just lay curled up in my bed waiting to finally die.But my friend countered each excuse with a solution and so I finally agreed to go. For No other Reason Than To Prove Her Wrong And Regret Asking Me! She Was wrong, it could not change my life!! Because I was worthless, had nothing to give and not worthy of love or life.
I was so sure What was Going To Happen When I stood Up To Introduce Myself, I Just Bluntly Said My Name Is Susan
McWaters, I Am Bipolar! And it Was Debbie That Had Brought Me.
And I Waited For It!! That everyone would see the horrible me. And Wonder What Debbie had been thinking bringing someone so unworthy to their retreat
I Kept Waiting!!But NO! I was accepted, welcomed and loved! Through The Entire Retreat,And With them I placed my heart into God’s hands with all the trust I had. It was like stepping into the light and has felt that way every day since!
I learned the TRUTH that as it says in Psalm 139:14, that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”This Verse !!!
It made me smile and filled me with peace. God does love me! He spent time making me and shaping me and, in His eyes, I would always be exactly who He made me to be- His daughter, His beloved child. His love made me more than a Mental Illness diagnosis, more than any disorder.And To This Very Day When I Hear Psalms 139:14 I Am Filled With Joy and Peace And Gratitude For His Blessings In My Life!!
I had always felt I was a mistake, a bad thing. And I still barely grasp the knowledge that God Saw What He Had Made! ME!And It Was Very Good And That He Delights In Me His Creation!!
Genesis 1:31 says, “God saw all that He had made, and it was very good.” God delights in His creation; God delights in us because we are made in His image. God doesn’t make junk or mistakes. We are not an accident, a fluke of nature or a product of evolution. In Him, there is no shame, no guilt, no ugliness, no lack, no doubt
I am a work in progress and LOVING IT! He makes all things possible. He has rescued me from the darkness and brought me into His life-giving light! He sent His Son Jesus to die for ME, and His Holy Spirit to live inside of me and make me a new creation in Christ!
After that first retreat, I was walking in a new freedom in my true identity, but Satan began to attack, bombarding me with lies again. However, this time I had a new understanding of how to go to God’s Word of truth to counter his lies.
Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) has been a great encouragement to me; “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Your sandals shall be iron and bronze, as your days, so shall your strength be.”
So, when Satan attacks I turn to God’s Word of truth and fight back! And in those times when I can think of nothing because my mind is a jumbled frightened mess, I call on him and don’t stop until He calms my soul and spirit, and floods me with His peace. He never forsakes me!
I am to Witness the miracle He has worked and keeps working in my life because He loves me! I am alive and I am worthy of His love. I am a living, breathing example of it All These Years Later!! We are God’s incredibly unique and special handiwork with a very important job to do for Him and His Kingdom and to bring Him glory, honor and praise!
I know my sister Cindy is smiling down on me from heaven knowing that I have embraced life and now living it to the fullest in my TRUE identity!
